Nudity, Blindness, and Foot-in-Mouth Syndrome

That pretty much sums up my weekend, goodbye.

How other adults managed to get through withoutta one of those things amazes me. And now makes me wonder if they were in fact robots with skin. Or maybe they though I was the robot. Or maybe we all thought everyone else was the robot and spent the entire weekend packing heat in our swimsuit in case a robot war should suddenly break out. That would immediately rule me out as one since I’d be the only idiot to jump into the water with said heat, spoiling the bullets. Or maybe that would be a ruse because my robot brain actually made a waterproof gun? Or maybe that wou– I have a headache.

Hold up. This chick doesn’t look like she’s joking.

10649582_10154593276935372_1158749795314224708_nGuess I should’ve watched my back a little more closely.

Here are the friends (and robots):
10636053_10154593270390372_612499520228501290_nDoesn’t everyone look so sweet and innocent? Let’s just say that after the “be silly” photo, I predict another baby will be born next year. Not a collier baby, much to Ryan’s disappointment, because I was too busy blushing with my legs crossed. It didn’t stop me from staring, though. And taking notes.

The house! It had a pool with pool house, a stocked pond, a play-set which we never used, a bunk house, and a yurt… all down windy dirt roads in the middle of nowhere. That didn’t stop a Jehovah’s Witness to visit though. I need a little bit of that determination, so I channeled it into my pool floating/drink holding abilities.


The first night everyone swam, ate, and then pretty much crashed. Or at least they faked being tired after seeing Zac break out the sprinkler, so they could hide under the covers.
10636156_10154593281990372_3681775805960815738_nHis son took the dance move literally and sprinkled all over the lawn. Ruthie is his soulmate, based only on that piece of info. On the way home from somewhere, she had to go to the bathroom. So Ryan said that if she held it til home, she could pee in the yard. As a reward. Forget presents this year for her birthday, I’ll just let her pop a squat all day and call it good.

That night the few remaining stayed up and played a game. At one point Ryan gave an ornery answer, so I had to go in the polar opposite to balance it out. I would’ve fallen on a sword to prove my stance…. or at least to a rally and hold a sign.

After the game, we cheersed to getting into the hot tub. I ran back to our bathroom, shucked off my clothes like they were on fire, and plopped onto the toilet. Fully naked. And then I connected eyes with someone in the hallway.

What the.

It took me ten minutes to cover up, it felt like. I didn’t know which roll to go for first… do I cover the one slumped over onto my thighs? Or do I push up my boobs with the hopes of them looking like they are naturally a Victoria’s Secret bra.

I opted for neither and just stared until she ran away.

She became Ruthie’s soulmate after that too. On the front lawn.

The next (early) morning, 300 gallons of coffee was drunk, an awesome breakfast was fixed. Did someone say chocolate gravy as well as powdered sugar pancakes? Yes, yes they did. I did. Because I ate both, rolls be damned.

Afterwards, some of us went to the pool and the rest went to the pond to fish.


10409591_10152753463422932_5826814341861380126_nRuthie caught her first fish and I caught my first heart attack at watching the kids jump from a stone waterfall thing. Maybe it brought up bad memories of when I (broke? sprained?) my tailbone jumping off a cliff. Read at your own discretion here.

After a while it was the girls’ naps, so Ryan and I went in to put them down. And then we fell asleep too. I woke up and walked back out to the pool where all the moms were still goin’ strong. I was ordered to put on my swimsuit and came back out with some stuff for mimosas.
That’s where my life almost took a drastic turn. I watched Alarie open up a bottle of bubbly early that (okay, morning… not gonna lie) and she screwed off the lid. Now that’s my kinda champagne! No need to put on airs. So when I broke out the next bottle at the pool, I leaned over that sucker twisting off the wire thing holding, oh just the wood cork. It popped and that guy grazed my cheek into the air, right below my eye. It wasn’t until afterwards that I got shaken, mostly because it was admitted that my friendship with them wouldn’t continue if I had to wear a patch.

This reminds me when I crossed my eyes and asked my high school girlfriends if they’d still like me if I got kicked in the head by a horse. I’ll let you guess what they said.


The kids all took long naps and we got some good girl time in the water.

More swimming with kids, more food was eaten, more running around,  more playing, and more limes were cut.



Oh, then, then, then.

Then we played Cards Against Humanity.
10414454_10154593282140372_3889671949886161003_nLawdy. AJ texted me the thursday night before and asked if she should really bring it. Because after going through the deck, it looked really awful. I texted back that I’d just gotten done with a bible study and all sorts of full of the Holy Spirit, so don’t ask me. I needed a couple days to be brought down from grace.

They brought it though. And Dang. I’ve never wheezed and snorted so much in my life. That normally comes out on group date #35, but there’s no way I was gonna hold that in.

I think the reason why it worked was that none of us talk that way in day-to-day life. So to hear some of these things come out of their mouths was… hysterical. Many times it was overheard: “I’m sorry to make you say this.

And I, of course, took the opportunity to pull out my soap box from under the couch, stand on it, and make a speech defending Ryan’s character from the previous night. And like all my soap box speeches, it ended in groans from the audience. I forged ahead though, like I always do. Against everyone’s wishes.

But. Guess who also was able to be the biggest offender in an offensive game? No, not Ryan… didn’t you hear my speech?! Leave it up to Carolyn. It was a personal card answered to a personal question. The crowd hushed, others ran to the defense of who ever threw down that card, and I blacked out for a few minutes. When I came-to, I yelled out my reasoning and then spent the rest of the time dwelling on it (I mean, in between snorting and wheezing at other answers, that is.)

I’m a dweller. And I dwelled and dwelled and dwelled, until I bombarded them so much with my dwelling that they only remembered that instead of the card. Score! I’ll take it.

I think we stayed up until 2am that night, which for this mama is a record two nights in a row. Obviously that means it was a good time with the right people. I literally went home and started looking up other places to go, I was that jazzed to do this again.

Well, minus the blog title.

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