A and I shared a bed for many years…

Did that get your attention?

I hope so. I hope it also got CBS’s attention as well.

Because our small town was having auditions for the Amazing Race last Saturday. I mean, really? This teeny place? So I called my sister, who didn’t have much going on in the next few months, to make a quick roadtrip. She hadn’t seen our dorm room yet, anyway.

A piled up the car and trucked on down. On the way, she got lost, which was extremely appropriate for the occasion.

When she arrived we sat down and filled out the application. Things were going well until we got to this one: What is your biggest pet peeve about your teammate? Now if only the cameras were on during that segment. R sat wide-eyed and silent; trying to not be noticed. Because if he had been, we’d have eaten him alive.

Fine. You’re moody. THERE. Yeah, well you’re flaky. SO DOUBLE THERE.

and after we wrestled and pulled each other’s hair for a bit, everything settled down.

We made it to the casting place, conveniently located at a casino, and stared at our competition.

I mean, couldn’t we at least beat this guy?

And what the heck was I wearing? Isn’t this a casting call? Here I am with wet hair, a free t-shirt we won from a 5K race, my husband’s vest, and highwater pants. Every casting director’s dream.

So we sit down and kinda go over memories and other fun details about ourselves. You know, picturing the audition as someone throwing out questions really fast. Man, were we on it. Sitting in that room, waiting our turn… we were on fire.

And then.

And then a lady walked in and told everyone to listen up. This is how it’s gonna work. You walk in, give your applications to one of the guys and then you’ll have two minutes to do whatever you want. So get pumped up!

A and I looked at each other and I felt a little vomit come up my throat. Anything we want? [silent scream]. We were not prepared.

Luckily, A is in marketing/advertising and just naturally an outgoing character. So she patted my hand and said, “Carrie, just follow my lead, okay? You’ll be fine. I’ll carry us and you just pipe in whenever you want.” So loving. Such a leader.

“Team 14!!!!” someone yelled on the overhead. We took a deep breath and walked into the room. After we handed over the application, they positioned us in front of the camera and said, “Go!”

We managed to get the opening out which was basically our names and then…


I looked over at my leader A in desperation and she was standing there, with this weird downward smile I’d never seen on her, just looking up at me. So I panicked and started rambling. And if any of you ever heard me talk under pressure, this is the worst possible scenario. I don’t even remember what I said, but I do remember dropping the phrase Passive Aggressive hoping to get a little spark in the room.


We literally said nothing. A wrapped it up and they turned off the camera. It was extremely uncomfortable. No one looked at us. And we left.

So what did we do? We called up R to have some drinks with a couple Debbie Downers. We tried to convince ourselves that the show really was looking for two people who couldn’t spit out any coherent words and spoke in monotone voices followed by awkward silences. Right?

But R wouldn’t have any of it. He said, “Look. There is no line. Have some more food and liquid courage and GO BACK IN THERE.” It was like Hoosiers all over again.

He dragged us to the car and drove us back. When we walked in, the room had been cleared out for several hours and the cameramen were bored.

I left it up to single cute girl, A, to seal the deal. They said, sure why not and that they could splice the new audition over the old one. We asked R to stand on the sidelines this time because we knew he’d laugh at us. I don’t even care if it wouldn’t be with us, someone just laugh for goodness sake.

We stand in our appropriate spots for the second time and jumped in. Our hook? That we shared a bed for many years as kids, which is true and now all of you guys know. Oh well.

But that wasn’t it. Not only did we share a bed for many years, but I did once pee in the bed. After I realized what I had done, I sat on top of my pillow and watched it trickle down to A…watching in slow motion as she came unglued.

See? Teammates, right there.

In the middle of our two minutes, there came the same awkward pause. But instead of succumbing to it, I called it out. “Why is this so awkward, A? [Turning to the camera] I think it’s because we think we’re funnier than what we really are.” A disagreed and pointed out that all of the cameramen were laughing. And I argued further that “no they aren’t. They’re looking at the ground avoiding eye-contact.” And just that little riff instantly calmed us because that’s exactly how we would banter. Dry, yet with the same high nasaly voice. We continued with more descriptions of each other (mostly on how moody I am) and eventually got the “wrap-up” motion!

Oh happiness. Even if we don’t make it any further, just getting that hand motion made our night.

Well, that and the $2.50 I won on the slot machines.

Wish us luck!!

6 comments on “A and I shared a bed for many years…

  1. Cop's Wife says:

    Awe. Some. I’m pretty sure I could own Survivor is I ever auditioned and made it on there. And it wasn’t somewhere super hot and dry like when they were in Africa.

  2. Amy says:

    Correction: “A” said she’d take the lead when “A” thought it was going to be Q & A! With open mic night, “A” needs an outline in her head. See folks, who wouldn’t want to watch this banter on prime time TV?!?! As a lady of leisure, I’d also like to state for the record that I only gambled $5. And finally, I’d like to give a shout-out to “R” (“C’s” husband). He is the most patient person ever. He listened to us talk about the unfolding day for at least 10 hours straight.

  3. Benji Boy says:

    Why didn’t Collier call me down? We could have wrapped that stuff up with our rendition of I Get Wet by Andrew WK.

  4. Your set-up looks way better than the closet our audition was in. I guess people drove from 16 different states for the casting call inside Topeka’s Qdoba.


  5. Waste-not « says:

    […] 4 cavities in one sitting, corsets, or the inability to audition for the Amazing Race (like we did here). I consistently deny the fact that I would probably be the scullery maid scrubbing dirty kitchen […]

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