R’s a snorer. A bad one. To the point that he can sleep 10 hours straight and still feel like he had a bad night’s rest. Me too. No, I’m not a snorer, but I sleep next to one. Therefore, I get all of the side effects, none of the drug.

So when his fellow snorer-friend told him he had had a nose procedure to have his air passages thinned out, R immediately tried to find a doctor.

Please, people. Calm down. I know how much you enjoy hospital photos, but you’ll just have to be patient. Or be a patient.

R was very well behaved until he put on his hospital gown…and then all bets were off. I asked him to do his best “I’m injured and sick, please help me nurse” pose. Not bad, but maybe a bit more leg next time. Yikes.

As he got comfortable in his bed, he hoped aloud that no one would take off his socks because he hadn’t clipped his toenails in a while and they may mangle someone. I asked him why he didn’t just whip them out like he did HERE. eeesh. He didn’t, luckily, because…

in came the nurse to take off, surprise!, his socks. We both watched her eyes intently for her reaction to his Frodo Feet. She held it together and walked away unscathed. What a professional.

As the minutes ticked away, we discussed what he should and should not say while waking up. I had an embarrassing experience where I woke up from surgery literally discussing the size of my breasts with the anesthesiologist. The conversation ended when he suggested I move to Europe where men don’t care as much about breast size.

Awkward.

But maybe that’s why I became a Spanish major? Discuss.

So I asked R to please not think about that as he went under. Instead, he wanted to sing a song and see if when he woke up he’d continue where he had left off. Yeah, go with that, R. But please not “My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard…” which would invariably lead into him telling the doctor what his wife asked him not to talk about.

So when I walked in to see R post-op, what was the first thing he asked in a groggy voice?

Do you think my wife is flat-chested?

[Gasp]

Are you freaking kidding me. I quickly looked around, but the nurses had already left and when I turned back to R, he was grinning and then immediately fell asleep. How can someone be quick after just having surgery?

Anyway, he’s doing fine. Sleeping the day away. And after all, good sleep is what we were going for.