Maturing…at least physically.

Something is in the air.

R and I went to a wedding Saturday night and I actually threw on a skirt and heels, something I feel I haven’t done in a while. And normally, I feel insta-sexy with this particular shoes-skirt combo. I do up my eyes, throw on some clear lip gloss and be bop my way to the car. But last night, I felt almost… needy. And asked R repeatedly if he thought I looked good.

He assured me that yes I did, while also throwing in a few “for a 50 yr-old” cracks at which I laughed, but also quietly noted that there’s always truth in jokes.

When the usher asked me which side and I replied “Bride”, he escorted us to row after row of giggly just-graduated-from-college friends of E. Glossy hair, manicured fingernails, shaved legs – you know.. above and beyond. What show-offs.

This was the first time that I’ve felt… older. Not old. But just older. The fact that I’d resolved to let my hair grow out naturally, gray roots and all, did not help. When you see the pictures, you’ll say, “Oh Carrie, you aren’t graying!”. But I assure you, that is purely positioning of the head. Right now it is only about an inch out, leaving it mountain snow cap. I am going pre-maturely gray.

This has resulted in mixed reactions. A girl at work almost begged me to dye my hair back while R said he thought it was cool I was embracing my natural self.

And I believed I had come to terms with it as well.

…Until I was literally surrounded by those girls…flicking their beautiful silky mahogany hair about (almost no blondes at the wedding, which I figured was the cosmos laughing at me).

Can you believe I was grieving over this tiny aspect? But there you have it. The first baby step in watching my body mature. I always tell myself, in nervous situations, to really stop and feel that moment. Because it’s probably the most raw and pure emotion you can feel, never lessening.

Hopefully in 20 years, I’ll have become used to the changing of myself. Because I sure am uncomfortable now. Everyone was at some point.

For that reason, I was really looking forward to a glass of white at the reception to calm me down. When R went up to order it, the bartender whispered very slowly, “We…cannot..serve…alcohol..tonight.” A dry reception. Oh you cosmos!

Afterwards, we went down to our favorite place on Dickson St: a coffee bar/bar. There’s something comfortably appealing about a coffee shop that also serves wine.

We managed to catch the last half of the KSU game and while watching, decided to order an appetizer. I was waffling between Queso and Lox.

But there was still an air of self-doubt lingering from the reception, so I asked R to take an “unposed” photo. Which is really a posed photo of me trying to act like I didn’t know he was taking it. Nevermind, it gets complicated.

The wine-stained upper lip, the yellow teeth – fine. But what the heck is that???

I zoomed in.

Uh hell no.

We’re ordering salads, dear.


And tomorrow we’re going to the gym. I’m taking control of my self-image, starting…. right after Thanksgiving.

Look, a girl’s gotta have her pumpkin pie first.

5 comments on “Maturing…at least physically.

  1. Cop's Wife says:

    Oh please, that's nothing. I have lip wrinkles, a huge post baby belly, gray hairs, and stretch marks on one half. Life's a bitch. But I still think I look pretty good for almost 35.

  2. Bruce L. Snell says:

    I stopped by KFC in Raymo, MO and the young lady behind the counter asked if I wanted the senior citizen discount (I didn't).FYI… I was only 47 at the time…

  3. Anonymous says:

    Oh, Carrie! But I must say, this one made me LOL.

  4. mengi34 says:

    OH! You are so good at describing everything I'm feeling right now, too! The boys I work with kept joking that I was 33 on my birthday and I know I don't look/act like I'm only 29. People have joked that I've been a 40 year old in a younger body for years, but now it's actually getting closer to becoming a reality! It sucks getting old, but I am working on embracing it, too! You're so inspiring…I'll be starting to work on the double chin thing after Thanksgiving, too:)

  5. Anonymous says:

    HA! You are cracking me up!!! I am in the same boat, just ten years ahead of ya! Just started running, boot camp, etc etc all because of a picture of myself too. Guess it runs in the family. You do look beautiful by the way.

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